"How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live." --Thoreau

feels so good when some things finally start to go RIGHT again..

and it's amazing how the physical conquests can carry you on to emotional ones.  i'll never understand how the gym can make me feel so much better when i'm stressed out or down, but it does.  i don't know why being around the people at Irons Oaks makes me find the magic in everyday living, but their outlooks have that influence.  

and in a more powerful way, what we're taught to push groups through changes the way i look at challenges and it's one of the biggest reasons i'm capable of and, once in a while, am inclined towards facing situations and people that i fear.  i don't know where i'd be otherwise, but i know i'd be less satisfied with myself without this backdrop. 

and yet, i still choose not to fight so many battles.  i'm such a coward so much of the time... there are whole days when i just want to curl up in a hoodie and boy jeans and hug my polar bear stuffed animal cuz i'm tired of trying and failing, tired of fighting to be strong when others' words and actions dig deep, tired of pretending things are okay and that i'm not bothered by all that's wrong with the world.

i'm such a baby and i'll readily admit it.  i think sometimes i'd rather others not know, though. :)  but that's what online blogs are for, eh?  to tell a little portion of the world that you're not as strong as you can make others think you are, that it's important for you to let others believe you're strong when you're really aching to give up and go cuddle with stuffed animals like a five-year-old.  and that those few times you've actually chosen to face the music and challenge yourself, those split seconds of courage, albeit short-lived and not so numerous, are what you cling to and hype up and use to try to convince yourself that you actually are as strong as you've made others believe you are. 

i love the way my room at my parent's house smells.. i love how my bed squeaks and how my little touch lamp glows.  there are so many good memory links in this environment.  i feel it soothing me in a way that few other places can.. 

there is no power in forgetting.  i've heard people throw around the phrase "the power to forget" and it makes no sense to me.  forgetting is equivalent with having no emotional ties to keep your mind connected to an issue, of having no power to remember something once it has become past tense..  forgetting is for the disconnected, the apathetic, the robotic and inhuman when it comes to things that have affected us in a major way.  i do not understand how it can be an example of power.  it's the same as disintegration, decline, death even, if you'll allow that allegation.  and death, like forgetting, takes no effort.  it simply happens, takes you over without your awareness, and leaves you missing something.

i been downhearted, baby.. ever since the day we met

"in three words i can sum up everything i've learned about life: it goes on."